Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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