my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You were trust falling into bushes
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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