I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
