We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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