I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I looked at my own cervix.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
