I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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