Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
