Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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