my phone needs a breathalizer
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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