he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
