I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
