She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
