i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
