My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
