I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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