I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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