Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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