I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Randomize
