I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
