fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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