Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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