I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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