Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
