trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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