Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
