Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
