I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize