worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
