Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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