there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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