I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
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