God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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