so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
