I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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