is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
We need to get me chipped asap
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