went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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