I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize