im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
