it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
