i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
