just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
