I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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