So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
