Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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