the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
