I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
