Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
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