All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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