Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
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