you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
