i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
