i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
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