I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
