You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
