Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
