I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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