Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
love makes seman taste better
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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