I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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