Your mouth is God's brothel.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
