The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
