Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
