Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
