Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
