Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
